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            It is the sound of someone curled up in a tiny ball crying softly in the night,

the sound of the first unwanted teardrop touching your skin,

            it’s the sound of a telephone that doesn’t ring,

the sound of regret pounding inside your brain with every heartbeat,

            it’s the whispers of the toy animals he gave you.

            It’s the shuffling of your feet walking away from him,

the sound of your soul shattering into a million pieces at uttering the word “goodbye”,

the sound of your voice saying "How could you?" lost in intermittent bawls,

            it’s the soundtrack of memories torturing you,

it’s the sound of feeble hand trying to push back the obstinate hands of time,

            it’s the sound of a cherub’s dying breath,

the sound of all those months disappearing in the vortex of Cupid’s kitchen sink,

it’s the unrelenting plaintive baby meows of an abandoned kitten outside an ignoring door.

            It’s the sound of your own voice calling out to someone who isn’t there,

                        of dying birds getting splattered on a city pavement,

of terms of endearment used a hundred times a day struggling to crawl into a vacuum of forgetfulness,

            it’s the sound of your own sobs keeping you company,

it’s the cold, uncaring stillness of the air you share your space with.

            It’s the sound of the rustling of a blanket you cover yourself with on a lazy afternoon,

the sound of someone clapping or waving at you just to get a reaction from your blank face staring at nothingness,

            it’s the sound of the sun rising and you sleeplessly watching it, again, from your tear laden eyes,

it’s the sound of your car tires driving away from your garage…driving away from people…driving towards places which you may or may not have spent with him…

            Destruction isn’t always as noisy as bombs exploding.

Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes are as quiet as a feather falling on the floor of a Zen monastery.

            No one else can really hear your heart breaking

Except you.

Eto na nman ako. Dis oras na ng umaga, gising paren. Galing sa 6UG. Ma-try na nga ung gamot na pampatulog na sobrang lakas daw according to Dj. Bakit ba ko d makatulog? Am I too scared that when I wake up I’ll realize that my good dreams are merely just flights of fancy? Or is it because I know that this time around I’m mentally pushing away dreams to the point that I don’t remember them anymore as I wink myself into awakening? I am a dreamer. Cognitive, Lucid, Intuitive, and Introspective. There are things I suddenly know because of this power. But this time around, I chose to forget. How my brain can be that powerful to push away my remembering stuff that I know subconsciously exists….. I do not know. It battles with itself. Everyday I deal with doublethinking. That’s where you believe, and hell FEEL!,  two contradicting things at the same time and take it as truth. A reality.  A damned contorted reality. Dammit, I swear to God my alter egos are always at hell with each other. Good thing I’m not schizo yet. Yan kase, nagfefeeling kaya i-mind over matter ang lahat. This time (*cringes*) I’m not that superwoman anymore. Motherfucker. But no, I can do this. Or can I?

hmm….Sabi nga ng bestfriend ko, paminsan kc alamin mo na ung point na “you are human after all”. “Kahit may sakit ka na feeling mo mamamatay ka na at hospital condition ka na tlga ano? Wala pa ren! Gsto mo pa ren i-mind over matter at wag maggamot!” Well at least ung tolerance ko sa sakit is über high at once in a blue moon ako nagkakasakit! (sabay grin)….Hay….ewan. This time around ayoko magpaka-peke at sabhin, “tangina, malakas ako. Sige, ayos lng ang lahat. Pakalakas ako para ok eto,,,,tayo.” Shit. Pagod na ko magdala pra sa iba.

Para

saten. Pero magagawa ko pa ren un, wag muna ngaun. Ayos na nung ibang times eh. Narealize ko lng asa stage ng denial lng ako at nagpapakasuperwoman na nman ang buong katauhan ko. Pfft.. It really equates to repression. And this is not a good thing. Yan tuloy sobrang simultaneous na nag-eexist alter egos ko. Alter nga eh! Puta. Simultaneous egos na eto. I feel like mother-Golum- fucker. Siguro sabi ni God, aba, asa difficult stage ka at ok ka pa ha, sige, bgyan ka naten ng super hyper mega situation. Haha..as if…d pa Lord, hindi pa. Sabi ko nga kakayanin ko with you. I know you got mah back!!! AKo un tipong tao as much as possible I make it na sobrang tama at sa ayos ang gagawin ko, pero shit, pls. afford me a moment of humanness. Expect ata ng lahat ng tao sa sobrang kaya ko, as in GO! Ok na ko. Puta kng

Rome

wasn’t built in a day ang tao pa kaya? Humans are more complex than a nation or a mega historical subliminal structure built on holy ground and from earthly ingredients. Shit. I gave myself a break. I afforded myself the right to be true. I AM ANGRY, NO ENRAGED!! I AM SAD. I AM DEPRESSED BEYOND RECOGNITION. MY STUPID INCESSANT MIND KEEPS ON REMEMBERING THINGS THAT SHOULDN’T HAVE EXISTED. I never asked for any of this. Or have I? God…the things that people can say and do. I remembered, I’m not living in a utopian bubble. I must remember that evil, stupidity, and all that fucking jazz does exist.

Now, I am my own

Rome

. I just want to be, for the time being, to be heaps of dust and stone. Let me be. Please Roman construction workers, give me some time to mull over the things that led to my degradation. Don’t build me yet cos I would be faulty…that would undermine my long-term stability and foundation. .cos I haven’t figured out a way to go about, or make some strategies against, the things that did this to me. I haven’t accepted yet the course of events or let’s say “natural catastrophes”. It hit me like a fucking bullet train. It’s a torrential battering of my soul. Ok

sana

kung isa lng eh. But no, mas madami pa sa daliri ko!!!

Para

nman tong Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events”.

Damn. Letters, Words, Phrases, Sentences (even run-ons mind you) and Paragraphs are tumbling down my gray matter in a matter of mili-seconds! This is a frigging DSL of the mind to the highest level. Bsta un, eexplore ko muna ung “tunay” kong feelings bago ako magpakatatag. Dahil lam ko kaya ko. I always have. I will be graceful and even be snob about it. After looking at my Roman parts and examining my deterrents and slayers, there will come a time that I will rise up and be that grandiose and mighty

Rome

that always was. And if there will come that time (and I bet my orange knickers there will) where I will be destroyed again, I do the same cyclical restoration process. This time, you wouldn’t be my slayer.

Happiness is the subjective dimension of wanting the good. Good meaning the material ones, affectivity, and the spiritual ones; hierarchical kng baga…You do not possess "that" good that I want; ergo, I would not be happy with you. Wow, syllogism! I found my middle term! Maybe somewhere in this statement lies the reason why some people are not happy sa "hindi pagpigil ng lifestyle nila". In the end, they realize the acrid reality na, what now? Sawa ba,,, ung tipong, oh shit, nagkamali ako, hindi pala nakakatuwa to. The thing is, this could be readily prevented. Yun nga lng, ika nga ni Svidrigailov sa Crime & Punishment, is that a weak man is that who makes "Reason a slave to his passions." God, natumpak mo Dostoevsky… Now, I do get it….and I understand:)….I am awakened to the fact that there are deceived beings on earth. Cos I learned that not all goods (esp. carnal ones) can make us happy, which is why we can be deceived. Give away "that act" like a candy, one then wonders, is it still sweet? Bittersweet? Sweet? Right…keep telling yourself that cos un nga eh, d dpat tumigil ng isang tao db? I wonder then, how does it taste now? Masaya b sila?

The will has two dimensions nga daw, Will as Spontaneous ("ut nature"), and Will as Choice ("ut ratio")…The former deals with the Will wanting the good (the good in its purest form), and the latter deals with the Will wanting the happiness dependent on a particular good, or on particular goods. So what are you, the former, the latter, the neutral, or the combined?

All men instinctively know the idea of good and bad? Really? makes me wonder why some men, and yes women, act primarily on instincts(hindi ung fight or flight syndrome ah)..or rather, FOLLOW their instincts…we’re not in the Amazon right? or are we? Just please inform me if we are, I might be lost…need to get back to humanity..(*crawls on all fours*)

"It’s harder to break HABITS than to acquire them."- i could not agree more.

and what is a Habit? Habit is> 1) a particular practice, custom, or usage. 2) compulsive need, inclination; addiction (ahoy there mayt! we might have stumbled upon something!)  3) Mental character or disposition …we create Habits through MERE REPETITION…que horror///now, i Get it.

So what was it again about it not being a habit? Right….Jesus-tap-dancing-Christ ika nga ni Stan kay Cartman…

wait, i am not sarcastic in any way..In fact, I am awakened to things & I am peaceful at the moment..I’m just hearing Doc. Mariano & Dr. Cenzon’s lectures in my head right now, which is why I type away..I could not contain it in my head, might as well type it.

Rightness and Wrongness, as qualifiers of human action, are precisely attributed only to human actions and never to actions of animals….Are you sure I’m not in the Amazon??? Buti pa nga ibang aso, sabihan mong "bad doggy!", sumusunod at tumitino, given it’s being an animal. Bat mas malala pa ibang tao? Kaya nga ung iba, wag natin ihalintulad sa hayop, may mas respeto pa ko sa mga hayop kesa sa kanila. Prang ung ibang politicians, mga buwaya daw at crab…I love crabs! nyway, i am digressing… What was it again about relativity and subjectivity??? Right…Justifications…Why are there standards based on the rightness or wrongness of one’s actions? Exactly! cos right and wrong does exist! If collectivities of persons say that what you did was wrong, maybe, there is something wrong. Hmmm..just a thought…well not actually, it’s a no-brainer…kaya nga may rules of conduct, ethics, morality (both in the religious and social context) and laws…why do u think all that exist? Cos we are all friggin’ human beings…it is our nature to discern what is right and wrong…para san pa lahat ng yan? Kng kanya2 edi tara, magpatayan at maglokohan at mangago na lng taung lahat..un nman pala db? again, we are not in the Amazon.

What then defines us as human beings nowadays? I wonder…Are we regressing? Tipong backward motion ng evolution? Balik sa primate form? Ika nga ni Robert Frost: "Go down the road less travelled…"….O nga nman, maybe in this road u’ll find out what it is essentially to be human and to be happy…

does it matter? how? everything falls on deaf ears…i am alone, but not really…remember what the Landscape poem says; "Remembering the speeches of your hair." But what good are these speeches when it dates back to the age of innocence? 21 grams, the weight of my tattered soul, but i think when i die, i’ll be losing much more..or am i? what is the weight of 21 grams? it’s the weight of sifted traumas and pain, the weight of love kept and love lost, the weight of every inch crafted thought that has sparked my gray matter…as i’ve spat and puked blood this morning  i ddnt know that that ulcer was getting worse..oh well,at least i know..it doesn’t matter even if i say..it’s unfair how mind won’t agree with heart..or maybe that’s just the proper way to gauge things, but still, it does not go well with indecisive people like me i tell u..i keep on hearing racial genocide, wars, revolutions, and death…hmm, UN peace corps, that may work for me some day…hu knows?

im living in a ghost world and nobody even knows, even u dear reader..i may tell u, but still u wnt see these words and fathom them as they roll down the screen, and into ur eyes, and finally into ur brain…is it in darkness that people could see the light? is T.S. Eliot’s St. John of the Cross the magic mirror that voices out the duality of things found in reality? well, we believe that, but have we internalized that? someday u’ll find out the answers..no it’s not u, not everything is about u, it’s for u…actually for all of u that has dared or even say that they’ve been constantly daring…when i choose to open up like that spring flower in E.E. cummings "Somewhere i’ve never travelled", maybe then, maybe, u would choose to understand and make an effort to…Stop with the superficial conjectures that you can’t even back up and refuse to defend…that’s because u very well know u still don’t know a damn thing…u think u do, cos u want it finite and done with…but that’s where u trip on a land mine…cos u know u saw that warning but refused to heed it and just went on in the opposite direction- the dangerous direction. then everything just blows up in your face and u wish u just listened to that person who has been warning you about things right from the start…that just simply shows ur lack of trust..how then could u proceed? when everything blows up in your face, can u still crawl up till the end? regardless of the illusions, regardless of ur emotional fetters, regardless of what has been said, would u still persist? it’s either u take that mine-ridden road, or the one that has no path at all but can lead u to the mystery that is me, or not at all. do u dare?

Just got home …and the other day I really saw them…I saw pogs on the road swirling as a racing van passed them by, and they were like duly fallen autumn leaves that never stray, they never stray from the downtrodden and sullen, and i saw a bunch of them just awhile ago…did i just say it again? those pogs made me happy..Ü
    …Every time I went there, I was always waiting for him, to see him..what is up with him and the jump he made over the burial hole just to give me a piece of flora..Hmm…some spiritual link that burns - that I lead myself to believe in- everytime this time of the year draws by. He looked like the Ceasar in the film everbody got enthralled with. There was this gnawing wrong at the back of my head that wanted the passionate kiss that I think I’ll never get..The passionate kiss that would render my power of denial and self-suggestion null and void.Nay, i knew it was just wishful thinking, that all of us habitually do…I watched him slyly like a prey that he was.But truthfully, I was the prey…always was. He preyed on me by magnetizing me and by enabling my senses to be fixated on nothing else but him. I got bored, I drank my beer and ate. I am an emotional eater. I eat my emotions away wishing it would be digested by my gastric acids; again, another wishful thinking. Next year, how it would be? Would you still be the "bad boy" almost everyone branded you with? What were you thinking anyway when you walked by and smiled?
    Got that buzz I was anticipating for, things got blurry, and I already have this plastered suspicious smile on my face that I tried to hold up. Wow, finally I was warming up to kin who I 99.9% deemed stupid except for my Dad, and two cousins. There was this sound leering and just dwelling in my eustachian tube and i recognized it as the track entitled "Power of Denial" in American Beauty’s soundtrack..hmm..kinda fitting…i’m losing it now..
    Nyway, my train of thoughts, it’s really travelling far and dear..The love I found in the road was the mass of pogs that were gleefully dancing and so unaware of the speeding pieces of clunk we call precious and that we drive as fleshy atutomatons. They were like mythical young creatures I came to know and who I, can only see and smile at. Hope they wouldn’t be the death of me.. the reason why one day I would fatally crash my car into oblivion…

Things are not really what they seem…Deceptio Visus..Life is such…I love the way ice-cream hurls and churns itself in my mouth, the way it melts into my tastebuds and the way it enables my  brain to register various unique flavors..

I love the music that is you, the way your beat moves into the rhythm that is my soul…

I love the way Irish clovers magically grow in a child’s fantasy, and how it find its way to the pot of gold at the end of the colorful streak that paints the sky after a sallow and grim outpour…

I love inebriating drinks and the way it makes your reality surreal and the way it makes you drink more so you can just live in that world you call your own..

I love the way the wave rolls over the shore, always returning to it even without the certainty and possibility that the shore will roll back to the ocean and meet the wave itself..

i love the wee hours of the morning, not only does it give me tranquility but it gives me back my sanity from the craziness of the nightmares of day…

I love the way babies stare at you with utmost curiosity and wonderment, they intuitively know everything but they yearn to personally know the world…

I love the way true love stares from the eyes of paramours, it remains mute, but it is louder than the volumes of words that we shout…

I love the way the ridges of a key fits perfectly with its lock’s sides, unknowingly they are useless without the other…

I love the way my feet treads upon the ground, it gives me stability and balance and makes up for my own internal discrepancy…

I love my bestfriends, they are my soulmates, seekers, and healers…

I love empty promises, despite being hollow, there is still that extant potential that can become kinetic and may hypothetically bring joy to my life when its purpose is realized…

I love the fact that I can’t turn back time, because the beauty and pain of now would not envelop me and nurture me if ever I succumbed to my weaknesses and decide to change things for the "better" everytime I falter and fail; I would not feel what it was like and I would not learn…

I love the way Death patiently and lovingly waits for me at the end, he promises and it is not empty….

I love the way  I breathe in the ethereal air, it remains unnoticed but it is truly necessary, like the love of  someone who has secretly loved you for almost eternity…

I love this enigma we call life, with its intricacies and blissful moments that perpetually confuse you, and the way it makes you think about the things you love and the things you secretly abhor…

I love the way life made itself a harbinger of this complex feeling…

hahaha, my nabasa akong nakakatuwa!! asteeg tlga! sa mga gustong magpasalamat saken…no problem! welcome..ur beri2 welcam..at taos sa puso ko yang "favors" na yan..;p…haha, nageeemail pa at txt ng mga tao..dont worry, no need to thank us, we’ll do it happily for you.. ngrarally daw, heheh,dati pang my ngiicp sau nyan hoy, actually nd nman ako nagsimula ng bandwagon craze, pero pauso tau sge..:P nakakatuwa tlga magbasa ng kng ano2 na pngcccbi…hahahaha..siraan daw ha, tara bring it on! thanks ren kng gnon! hahaha…shet lmao tlga!!

jesus christ man, u thought pathological liars are mythological or make-believe beings..well, think again. Me, papish, and some of my friends believe they are real. When asked, we all paint a figure of the same person who is being lying behind everyone’s (I mean everyone!) back. I pity you who has been either brainwashed -or perhaps blackmailed or holds a blackmail key- by her..or him..who knows? (haha, yeah ryt) If ever you meet a pathological liar, for the love of humanity and God, veer away. I swear these are relentless beasts who are truly pathetic, and they are addicted in preying on drunk committed men ,(or pde reng nympho sha, watcha guys think? I think so too..) and are people who can’t keep their legs and mouth shut. They suck in excuses and they have no logic at all. FOr example, mentioning names na alam mo nman pde mo kausapin ung taong un at i- make sure if what this person is saying is true; at nd nman! saklap, pathetic tlga. This is also a person, that I think, manipulates people in her conniving choice of words. Actually, there’s no choice at all, kc this person just omits essential details that if you came to  discover the things she omitted, puta pare, what a big diff! and you’ll learn that when that missing piece is revealed, that story won’t be in her favor. tsktsk…I pity these creatures I swear! cos you know what? They BUY loyalty and love. Oh yesiree they do. Desperate measures nga naman, tsktsk. Desperadong mawalan ng kakampe sa mundo kc narerealize na ata nya na shit sha, and a lot of people think so too. CLueless, well you wish you are cos I’m laughing my head of at your pathetic lies na naririneg ko na sa mga tao.Hmm..tama lng cgro naun ko na naririneg kesa noon kasi mas ok pang-fuel to sa mga pambato sau, kng magkamali ka tlga. Haha, after all these years, un pla tlga ung mga nanyari! hehe…and advise lng, b4 you buy love (sana wag sa committed!!) at loyalty, siguraduhin mo mna you’ve paid the people you’ve borrowed money from. Jeez, at least have the audacity to tell your parents that, or you just don’t care. Oh well, that can be another trait of pathological liars. You have your own reality that you think laadeedaa, no one’s gonna bother asking for the money anyway. Think again, kht na milyonaryo pa pnaghiraman mo, mahiya ka, at least hulugan mo sila kesa nanlilibre ka ng kng ano-ano jan db? grbehang logic. ANo pa, kelangan mo ng spokesperosn? ng lawyer? don’t have the voice to say it in people’s faces?Kelangan may taga dala pa ng bullshit mong mensahe sa tao? How I wish those peeps na binibili mo, or those lawyers of yours would know the truth about you. That you’re one fucking piece of a miserable lie. katsktsk…Wait, baka may matamaan!! nagaassume lng ako,postulations nga eto, at ito lng nman sentiments ko kng knino mang pathological liar ang matamaan dto. TAmaan ka b? bakit? mashado bng specific? kng oo, then ayus2in mo mga kilos at salita mo kng ayaw mo maging specfic pa to sa buong madla..cbhn mo la ka pakialam sa tao, yeah ryt, that is one fucking lie. cos if you don’t really give a rat’s piss, you won’t go around desperately trying to win  everyone’s sympathy, attention, and trust. seryoso, kuha mo na sympathy ko. aww,,,kaawa ka..seriously, pathetic ka kc..:(…

you acrid piece of shard…always biting, always sharp…reflecting the inner doom of one’s soul without one’s permission..when will you ever learn that you were once part of something whole…something worth looking into…something fragile yet ethereal…

dammit, bt ako gumawa ng blog ulet d2? hehe..ewan topak ako,,,i should’ve done it in this account and not on my second account..this would be my fallback cos i can’t damn figure out how to take off the announcement thing on my other blog..hmm,..how can i make the announcement on my updating my blog disappear on people’s e-mails? dammit..